Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny

   Here's what's happened in Wisconsin. The people who earn the money to pay these public sector workers -- for the first time -- have somebody representing them.

   This is my last cookie......-eats it then gets a few more-

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - New York City's most hated cab driver

   While pumping gas, if you listen closely, you can hear the pump telling your kid's college fund to go "F" itself.

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   decided to go on a Light Diet....whenever there's light...I eat.

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   In our city its not what you know. Its not who you know. Its what you know about who.

   I saw Donald Rumsfeld on CNN this morning, offering his advice on using the military in Libya. What's next? Octomom giving advice on birth control?

   In light of recent reports, is Taco Bell allowed this Lent?

   I thought I was special until I saw you are now friends with me and 29 other people :(

   informed that I had offended some people with my statueses. Solution: I deleted them