Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How ironic. Mark Zuckerberg (facebook creator) is Time Man of the Year. And Facebook is the thing that takes all our time!

   hoping to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past. That way I can go back gaze upon those great times.

   kinda bummed New Year's Eve only happens once a year... we need more alcoholidays.

   Somebody beer me stat!

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   Buffalo wings? Are you insane? Those cows can't fly. It's a lie, I tell you

   Creaming my candy corn this year so if you stop by to trick or treat, bring a bowl.

   realized that if no one can reach you.....you never have to waste time returning phone calls.

   a computer allows you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila

   loves selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know him ...he's already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

   #‎43210 I don't really even know who you are. You friend requested me and we know some of the same people- unless you really don't know them either. but you seem nice enough, I suppose.

   welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised that we don't have cookies?

   Labor Day marks the beginning of the NFL and college football seasons. Nascar holds the Southern 500. Labor Day marks the last days of Summer. In 2010, the Holiday was cancelled because too many people couldn't remember what it meant to have a job :)

   some times the same way a guy does not cherish a good girl a girl does not cherish a good guy.

   and THAT is how the firecracker got in my pants doctor

   Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

   Hold on to your shovels, its going to be a long winter!!

   just came back home and found Santa in his mouse trap... My cheese was all gone, but at least the milk and cookies were safe.

   Should've Driven to New York in my Toyota to see Puxotony Phil

   doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.