Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job..... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name, amen".

   Me have safe sex? You kiddin? My girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car doors..

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”

   wonders...if you were a hotdog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?

   Have you ever eaten a Hot Dog backwards?

   Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Me neither..but it's a good way to break the ice!

   People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and U's...

   : Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, cause I'm the baddest SOB in the valley!

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   Jennifer Aniston has the emotional range of the volleyball in "Cast Away" & the comedic timing of a syphilis outbreak.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.

   Love is standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and you can never let go without leaving your footprints.

   IRONY,too much Alcohol on a night out causes the loss of the ability to remember, think & reason....

   Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia....

   Wonders what the 1st person that ate a pineapple was thinking... Hmmm that's a funny looking thing, I believe I'll eat it.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia.

   Wonder how long i'll have to stay in Bed before the Bed Bugs eat away at all my fat, saves me going on a diet

   Finals kicked my ass last semester, but this time around, I'm feeling like I've been well trained by the Mr. Miyagi of Finals---just been waxing them on and off, straight up kicking their asses!