Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, so now I have my coal in the pressure cooker....How long will this take?

   The Twilight Saga is a lot like the World Cup! They run around for a few hours, no one scores and the fans say you have to watch it to understand.

   "Absolutely, sir. And what kind of pig would you like to hear?" (Real American, if he was in Deliverance)

   It took a movie like Blindside and Jesse James' cheating ways for Sandra Bullock to decide to adopt a black baby.

   During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

   Out of the 20 richest women in the world, only one did not inherit their money from their husband or father!

   NO alcohol...NO fun. KNOW alcohol...KNOW fun!

   The Only Difference Between My Car, And Yours Is Mine Did'nt Come Here On A Boat.

   Beyonce gave birth by a C-section? Guess she didn't want her thing stretched out

   July 4th is the perfect day to get rid of your spouse.....with the fireworks bangs..no one will hear a couple of shots:)

   How do you make White House Soup? You start with a laughing stock and and a whole bunch of nuts.

   thank you Tom Brady for showing the world that you have way more GOD given talent than Tebow!

   I was so excited when I learned that Rosie O'Donnell had a Heart Attack...then I found out she was still alive.

   Woohoo! Marco Rubio For President Of The United States of America!!!

   # For someone who doesn't know what they're talking about, he sure does do alot of talking.

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   what do you tell a woman who has two black eyes... nothing you've already told her twice!

   A 27-year-old was arrested after posting on Facebook he was engaged to a 14-year-old. His relationship status: “It's Illegal.”

   my Facebook password is your girlfriends name

   confesses, as a kid he used to have a crush on that crazy-ass evil blonde chick on "Little House on The Prarie"