Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   Breastfed men are better lovers, everyone knows that.

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   ATTENTION: Cheerleading practice will be located in the vacant lot behind Kohls until further notice. Please bring pom poms and make sure you're not followed

   I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of back in 70 Years..

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   If life taught me anything, it's that Mikey will eat anything...

   Happy May the 5th is what we will be saying once Trump is elected

   Donald Trump had a fake spokesman 25 years ago, perhaps he'll have a fake cabinet after being elected President.

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?

   A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME