Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When trying on pants, even the most vile curse words very rarely make the pants change their mind and fit comfortably.

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   watching a cooking show full of dumb hosts and arrogant chefs. Yes, I think they should all try the smelly sauerkraut water - and choke to death.

   Yeah, yeah. It's Hump Day, but get off my leg, please. I don't like you that much.

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

   That awkward moment when you wish someone Happy Birthday on facebook, only to realize you posted someone else's name on their wall... Darn those fb birthday notifications!

   For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"

   I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!

   needs to stop listening what people are telling him to do and start focusing on what he really wants in life..... pie!

   Sober ________ and Drunk _________ don't talk. Someone please fill me about last night.

   I hate those stupid orange juice commercials that make it seem like no matter what happens throughout the day as long as you have some "orange juice" it'll be okay.....

   A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

   I had this crazy dream that I was on facebook writing about how I hate my insomnia. Oh wait (posted at 2am)

   I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots

   ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ Dont care anymore

   I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

   I don't hate you, I never could. I don't regret meeting you, I never will. But I do regret our relationship. It destroyed our friendship!

   True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

   If you say something really fast it can sound really easy or really hard.