Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

   My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep

   I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..