Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tiger Woods has had sex with more women than my girlfriend will even let me be Facebook friends with.

   I've had no trouble feeding my boa constrictor since I found those free kittens on Craiglist.

   I don't play videogames ALL day. I do stop to jerk off from time to time.

   There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo." The other cow replies,'Shut the f*ck up you uneducated twat'',

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Like if you ever had High School friends hook you up that worked at fast food places.

   Was comforting my lesbian friend because her girlfriend broke her heart. I told her they have a pill for that. "What's the name of it?" she asked. I replied "trycoxagain"

   Breaking News: Romney buys rights to all Jack in the Box tacos sold in Colorado

   Does anyone remember the "occupy wallstreet" movement? Weren't they supposed to have been a big deal and get something done??? Talk about fizzle out like a bad fart.

   And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I'll give women the power to control it."

   Sorry for my poor English, I'm American.

   I hear that if congress can reach a deal on the US debt ceiling, that Obama will be given a 2nd nobel peace prize for no reason at all

   .Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8pm. You'd better f@#king be there.

   You know who hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   • I've just been told that the invisible man and a ghost are going to have a fight... But I just can't see that happening.

   "In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17."

   How the hell did we go from “Mexico will pay for the wall” to not paying government workers until the American Taxpayers pay for the wall?

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong, I wish you privileged white males would get that!

   It’s crazy that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it’s “art” and “music”…. but if I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot