Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Like if you ever had High School friends hook you up that worked at fast food places.

   .Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8pm. You'd better f@#king be there.

   I hear that if congress can reach a deal on the US debt ceiling, that Obama will be given a 2nd nobel peace prize for no reason at all

   You know who hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   to all the wackos who believe in global warming try coming to Idaho in the middle of March..It'll snow

   "In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17."

   • I've just been told that the invisible man and a ghost are going to have a fight... But I just can't see that happening.

   Medical Tip: If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office... keep walking.

   How the hell did we go from “Mexico will pay for the wall” to not paying government workers until the American Taxpayers pay for the wall?

   Sorry I shot your minivan, but it's hunting season and it had antlers.

   Breaking news: Republican Bob Turner wins Weiner's old seat. Hmmm.. I hope they steam cleaned it for him??

   Every night the dis likes multiply by 6.. Wonder what side of the world is making that happen? The unfunny side. (europe)

   This just in.... kleenex has reported a shortage of tissues due to all the steelers fans running to the store to buy tissues to dry their tears..... Packers WIN!!!!!

   my wife just fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open... hmmm, tempting!

   I was going to write a funny status to get a bunch of likes, but then I realized, If I just write the word Boobies all the guys on my friends list will like it! Soo BOOBIES!

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong, I wish you privileged white males would get that!

   Well played fat girl in a hot car, well played...

   It’s crazy that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it’s “art” and “music”…. but if I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot