Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear radio stations, You do know there are more than 5 songs in the world, right? Sincerly annoyed listeners.

   If you watch the Titanic backwards..Its about a magical boat that saves people

   Beer is now cheaper than GAS! Drink don't Drive...

   When I'm having a day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   before getting married there are 2 words a man must know that are crucial to his survival....."Yes Dear"........

   Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...

   Remember, You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

   Dubstep is just dance music with Touretts Syndrom.

   Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'

   If a cop pulls you over and asks for papers, he does not mean the zig zag papers.... :/

   Wonder if Donald is going to borrow money from Vladimir Putin to pay for Trump University lawsuit.

   Kim Jong Un has made millions of Americans look up the word dotard. So far, he's done way more education than Betsy DeVos.

   Covid spelled backwards is divoc... As in where divoc is my beer?

   Farting under the covers is no longer called a dutch oven. It’s now a "covid test". If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

   Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

   For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"

   Trump tells GOP lawmakers they need to respect the wishes of the people that got them elected. I think he means the Kremlin.

   Trump is spending the entire day today fishing. For compliments.