Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.
←Rate | 01-25-2011 19:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
←Rate | 04-17-2010 14:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"
←Rate | 04-22-2010 17:57 by RandomGirlie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.
←Rate | 04-28-2010 22:26 by Tom Comments (0)  


   messageicon celebrating Cinco De Mayo by having some tequila, tacos, casadias, and cho cha
←Rate | 05-05-2010 10:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two...he'll be back to his usual self.
←Rate | 05-05-2010 22:16 by @bitemeNsuckit Comments (0)  


   messageicon My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
←Rate | 05-06-2010 23:58 by paulb808 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"
←Rate | 06-30-2010 15:12 by BOO Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.
←Rate | 07-08-2010 13:25 by Leeferd Comments (0)  


   messageicon if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.
←Rate | 08-05-2010 14:08 by proxy Comments (0)  


   messageicon My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.
←Rate | 08-14-2010 18:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house
←Rate | 08-16-2010 20:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wonder if Donald is going to borrow money from Vladimir Putin to pay for Trump University lawsuit.
←Rate | 04-01-2017 16:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kim Jong Un has made millions of Americans look up the word dotard. So far, he's done way more education than Betsy DeVos.
←Rate | 09-22-2017 22:07 Comments (1)  


   messageicon When your lawyer's, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know things must be bad.
←Rate | 09-16-2018 01:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guys, prove you're not a rapist by giving large sums of money to random women!
←Rate | 10-02-2018 15:50 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Covid spelled backwards is divoc... As in where divoc is my beer?
←Rate | 09-04-2020 16:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Farting under the covers is no longer called a dutch oven. It’s now a "covid test". If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.
←Rate | 01-01-2021 13:49 by Grumpy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
←Rate | 02-25-2021 10:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
←Rate | 10-11-2021 08:14 Comments (0)  




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