Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   celebrating Cinco De Mayo by having some tequila, tacos, casadias, and cho cha

   If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two...he'll be back to his usual self.

   My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   Wonder if Donald is going to borrow money from Vladimir Putin to pay for Trump University lawsuit.

   Kim Jong Un has made millions of Americans look up the word dotard. So far, he's done way more education than Betsy DeVos.

   When your lawyer's, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know things must be bad.

   Guys, prove you're not a rapist by giving large sums of money to random women!

   Covid spelled backwards is divoc... As in where divoc is my beer?

   Farting under the covers is no longer called a dutch oven. It’s now a "covid test". If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

   Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

   For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"