Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder

   If Hillary won we would be under Sharia law. Bacon would be outlawed

   After she loses the presidency, maybe on Hillary's next trip to the Middle East someone there will chop her head off. . .

   Because of Facebook, I paid my internet bill early.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   "Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?"

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   the yanks crashed out of the world cup coz they weren't allowed to use their hands...

   The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.

   Just tried to wake my wife up, by throwing skittles at her... yelling, Wake Up, and taste the rainbow.

   "Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller

   Skipping the new Jackass movie - already saw Christine O'Donnell debate this week.

   Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

   I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me

   What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.