Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what infuriates me? Trying to grab the end of masking tape with my half chewed fingernails, after it has reattached itself to it's body. You know what infuriates me even more? Watching someone else do it.

   I talk to myself because my teenager wont talk to me

   ‎'Valentines day is soo over hyped...'-Every single person...:P

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?

   This valentines day is going to suck(period)

   First she wears a dress made from raw meat and now she arrives at the Grammys in a giant egg. I can't watch any more. My cholesterol level keeps going up.

   Shaved my beard down to goatee. I look like an elderly gay Viennese psychiatrist circa 1910. Sweet! Just the look I wanted.

   engaged............................................in a battle against soberism.

   doesn't know what the problem is... I keep drinking 6-packs but my abs never look any better.

   Who wants to bet me I don't have a gambling problem?

   taking a nap.... and not giving it back.

   <~~~may cause dizziness, high blood pressure, exitability, tingling sensation, loss of hearing, blindness, loose bowels, erectile disfunction, nauseau, heart failure and seizures.

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him.

   Tiger's best 18 holes since Elin found out about the other 18 holes he was playing...

   You don't HAVE to be in love to have sex, but you do have to quit squirming away,

   Can't wait for the "Ineliga-Bowl" game tonight with Ohio State vs Miami. Both schools filled with scandals and vandals!

   confuse why Mr R had to bring out the solider card on the site because people complaining bout FB my bro law over in Iraq complaining about the new FB shut the eff up haha

   I have a picture of myself in my wall in my nursing uniform holding two empty bedpans. That way when they show me a photo of their honor studen or their new car I can show them a photo of me not giving two sh!ts.

   I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape

   blackberry crashes around the world ministerially!!! well 4 days in heaven and already working on the competition, good job steve :)