Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

   What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.