Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   LeBron left Cleveland so he didn't have to play by himself in order to win a ring. Looks like Miami is just Cleveland with better weather.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   Boy: "You're like summer." Girl: "Awww hot?" Boy: "Nope, no class."

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   :Procreation: It started out as just plain old creation, until I started doing it.

   when I was driving today I turned the rear view mirror towards my face so I could view awesome along the whole drive

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

   Yahoo news headline "Woman beats off rapist" Ummmm, did they make some kind of comprimise?

   Cheerios jus came out with hoplessios for emo kids

   you know....it's been almost two months since Christmas.....I should probably stop ceaselessly referring to my p*nis as the "Pole-her Express"....

   Ok All right who pushed the damn buffalo wild wing button.......during this race ???

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   Abolish the department of education for failing and producing Paul Rand who wants to abolish the department of education.

   Women went on strike today, things still got done without them.....