Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LeBron left Cleveland so he didn't have to play by himself in order to win a ring. Looks like Miami is just Cleveland with better weather.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   Boy: "You're like summer." Girl: "Awww hot?" Boy: "Nope, no class."

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   :Procreation: It started out as just plain old creation, until I started doing it.

   when I was driving today I turned the rear view mirror towards my face so I could view awesome along the whole drive

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

   Yahoo news headline "Woman beats off rapist" Ummmm, did they make some kind of comprimise?

   Cheerios jus came out with hoplessios for emo kids

   you know....it's been almost two months since Christmas.....I should probably stop ceaselessly referring to my p*nis as the "Pole-her Express"....

   Ok All right who pushed the damn buffalo wild wing button.......during this race ???

   There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity."

   The olympics... the only time where you can be a male swimmer and we won't think you're gay.

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.