Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's always a little truth behind every 'jk,' a little knowledge behind every 'idk,' a little emotion behind every 'idc,' and a little pain behind every 'it's OK.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   You have a pretty face but I don't like the gang signs your teeth are throwing up at me

   Some guy is yelling, "Man, I'm fu*kin' such an idiot!" I said, "That's poor grammar, you should say, "Man, I'm such a fu*kin' idiot." He goes, "Naw man, I mean I'm having sex with someone with an IQ of 25 or lower."

   If a fat man in a red suit comes and grabs you and stuffs you into a bag, dont worry. He just read my wish list. :)

   first it was Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, now Kim Jong Il. all of my bedroom wall poster idols are dead

   If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   LeBron left Cleveland so he didn't have to play by himself in order to win a ring. Looks like Miami is just Cleveland with better weather.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   Boy: "You're like summer." Girl: "Awww hot?" Boy: "Nope, no class."

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   :Procreation: It started out as just plain old creation, until I started doing it.

   when I was driving today I turned the rear view mirror towards my face so I could view awesome along the whole drive

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't