Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reasons why Game of Thrones is better than Breaking Bad: 1) Titties. 2) Dragons. 3) Bro do you seriously need any more?

   Ok peeps, I had a chat with Zuckerberg and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.

   If you want to see the power of a good woman, look at her husband and his success in the world!

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

   "Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

   A real friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. All the others are just acquaintances.

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   I just heard Steve Jobs Resigned from Apple Computers. His last thing to show people today was called a iquit.....

   Dominos use to be made with saddness and disappointment with just a sprinkle of fry grease and hooker spit once, but now it's made with "real cheese" and failure.

   Female gamers need to get off their high horse. There are a million girls who like gaming, and it doesn't make them "special" or "cool". It just makes them a girl who happens to like video games.

   Rope: $7.50 Duck Tape: $2.75 Shovel: $12.98 Never having to see that b!tch again: Priceless.

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   Russel Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry... I wonder if she kissed a girl and he didnt like it.

   So I'm home alone and heard a noise and got scared so I decided to get drunk. Then I made about 80 quesadillas SO NOW I'm trying to sell them and put Taco Bell out of business...Tell your friends!!

   Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."

   Toasters as wedding gifts don't make sense. If you and the person you're marrying don't have a toaster maybe you're not ready to be married.