Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   North Korea has made good on their threat to send a Nuclear Warhead to the Capitol of the United States !!!!! It was sent via UPS Next Day Air and should arrive by Saturday morning.

   It’s ridiculous how so much of your future depends on how successful you are as a teenager.

   Men don't grow up, they just hide their stupidity.

   Good News to a Pastor: The Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: The pastor was on vacation.

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   I don't remember seeing anything in the Bill of Rights that says you can't get rid of the people who use guns in criminal act. Yup....Now , about that budget ... . .

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.

   It's so cold this morning I'm gonna lip sync all day.

   why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...

   If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"

   The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head.

   why do companies match others prices? If you can't save me money I'll just shop where I'm at!!

   Sorry I'm so late. I saw two sloths having sex at the zoo and spent the last seven weeks watching them.

   I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. The I realized she was just putting me on hold

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?