Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people post pictures of broccoli and asparagus while I'm having a bucket of fried chicken and a Sprite.

   If you didn't want me to sleep at work, maybe you shouldn't have given me the paycheck to buy the drugs w/ in the first place. Work's fault.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   Thinks some of the crowd left Daytona with skid marks in their pants

   I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.

   Hugo Chavez and that kid Manny on Modern Family look just alike.

   North Korea has made good on their threat to send a Nuclear Warhead to the Capitol of the United States !!!!! It was sent via UPS Next Day Air and should arrive by Saturday morning.

   It’s ridiculous how so much of your future depends on how successful you are as a teenager.

   Men don't grow up, they just hide their stupidity.

   Good News to a Pastor: The Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: The pastor was on vacation.

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   I don't remember seeing anything in the Bill of Rights that says you can't get rid of the people who use guns in criminal act. Yup....Now , about that budget ... . .

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.

   It's so cold this morning I'm gonna lip sync all day.

   why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...

   If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"

   The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head.