Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!

   Dear google, when I type in the letter A and you suggest Anna Kournikova Nude, please produce results, Thank you.

   I'm pretty sure that the demise of dinosaurs was because they were driving hybrids.

   My Vertigo meds warn that they "may cause dizziness"...WTF! That's like the blue pill warning that it "may cause chemical castration"!

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me

   I suspect someone has a voodoo doll of me out there that they make watch Jersey Shore and listen to Justin Bierber.

   A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

   I hate when people post pictures of broccoli and asparagus while I'm having a bucket of fried chicken and a Sprite.

   If you didn't want me to sleep at work, maybe you shouldn't have given me the paycheck to buy the drugs w/ in the first place. Work's fault.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   Thinks some of the crowd left Daytona with skid marks in their pants

   I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.

   Hugo Chavez and that kid Manny on Modern Family look just alike.

   North Korea has made good on their threat to send a Nuclear Warhead to the Capitol of the United States !!!!! It was sent via UPS Next Day Air and should arrive by Saturday morning.

   It’s ridiculous how so much of your future depends on how successful you are as a teenager.

   Men don't grow up, they just hide their stupidity.

   Good News to a Pastor: The Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: The pastor was on vacation.

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.