Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come they always announce the reporters as reporting live from the scene? Has any of them reported dead from the scene before?

   I feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did.*forever a vin *

   Once these h$es realize 1+1= 2 and NOT 3 the world will be a better place.

   I carried a really cool hat to school that I rubbed on a licey homeless guy. The school bully just stole it..... :D

   tried to get a tattoo but it hurt, so I just got dots with numbers..You make the connection

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)

   Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I had a great joke, but Ryan Leaf stole it......

   Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission!....Oh Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

   I wake up in the morning expected when in reality HE can make it unexpected at any given time. Shout out to the BIG homie GOD.

   We've got way too many pointless idioms but at the end of the day it is what it is & it's all good.

   People usually complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

   ATTENTION !! Today has just been Upgraded to ... FRISKY FRIDAY !!! Thank you...

   Reading the first dozen pages, reminds me of reading something from the 50s...so wholesome.

   My money keeps unfriending and unfollowing me.

   If I Can See It, Smell It, Or Pee On It, It Belongs To Me!! ~ I Got The Big Dog Attitude Today!.. Or It Can Also Be Called I Just Had 2 Beers Attitude!

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   Odd,, that Yahoo's search for a new CEO got only one result...

   Tell me about a time you made someone feel like sh!t." - airline employee interview question.