Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

   Santa better take me off the naughty list or I will black out the moon on Monday night.

   Any relationship before marriage is just training.

   says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

   why do all the other reindeer have brown noses??? Because they aren't as quick to stop as Rudolph

   The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

   thinks parents are only as good as their dumbest kid... If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

   wondering if IHOP is going to sue Apple for copyright infringement?

   In a PBS world with a HBO mind...

   The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

   I guess I just want you to know that I care about you enough to piss on your gums if your teeth ever catch on fire...

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   Behind every successfull woman... is a man checking out at her ass!

   I know you, what's your name???

   Where do babies come from? Two teenagers and a six-pack

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   Miley Cyrus puts the Ho in hottie

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   Shovels, aisle 7, check. Hatchets, aisle 10, check. Bags of lime, aisle 11, check. Now where is that alibis section....

   "Her blue eyed Summer time smile Looks so good that it hurts Makes you wanna build A 10 percent down White picket fence house on this dirt." FGL