Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started a new drinking game. I drink a shot everytime Trump tells the truth. I've been sober for 2 years now.

   There's going to be a huge line outside of Whitney Houston's funeral next week. Which, coincidentally, is what killed her.

   I went to the garage today to unpack Christmas decorations. I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give the kids. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten.

   I don't consider myself a Tebow hater...that label is placed on we Tebow realists by his sycophantic minions. Just now...he threw a dead on pass...at the receiver's ankles.

   These bathsalts sure do make me feel funny.....

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his bluetooth earpiece

   I have CDO. - It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order, AS THEY SHOULD BE!

   TEACHER: what is the opposite of laughing? STUDENT: fu*king... TEACHER: why is that? STUDENT: well laughing is Ha Ha Ha and fu*king is Ah Ah Ah ....

   What did the duck say to the prostitute? "Put it on my bill"

   You know it's time to wash your wank sock when you drop it and it sounds like plates dropping.

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   1 MLB Baseball bat = $175.00, 52 HR Balls = $885.30, Winning the MLB HR Derby with your dad pitching = PRICELESS!

   As long as Rebecca Black is alive Casey Anthony will always be the 2nd most hated living person

   I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre

   The guy who discovered milk….What was he doing with that cow?

   I'm dressing as a cop for Halloween and telling ladies to "lick it or ticket!!"

   The tattoo of Donald Trump's face on my anus is symbolic because he too is full of shi t, but my a$$hole has a better hairstyle

   Human beings are the plague of this planet!!

   Like if you knew Mitt Romney moved to France to skip the Vietnam draft. Flipper/Dodger.

   I want to do something different tonight so am thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!! hehehe