Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One thing's for sure: Palin did not have brain implants!!

   Guns don’t kill people, George Zimmerman kills people!

   Man, good thing the Obama family got that dog. I'm pretty sure Sasha and Malia were tired of throwing frisbees at Joe Biden.

   Press Like for Blackberry & Dislike for Iphone

   What's up with refried beans? Once should be enough.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"'s you up like a "G" :)

   I HATE BEING BI-POLAR....IT'S AWESOME!!!

   Got called "shallow" recently because I said I wasnt really into "plus size" women... received the classic quote, "its not what's on the outside, it's what's inside their heart that counts." yeah, too bad their heart is the size of a Canned Ham.

   taking over the world

   BREAKING NEWS: Fox News blames Obama for the earthquake. Also for herpes, World War 1 and "All My Children" getting cancelled.

   You know da day is off to a bad start when you realize you put your dirty socks in the toaster, two slices of bread in the toilet and peed in the laundry hamper.

   why did helen kellers dog run away?... you would too if your name was hhemirnemingefle

   there are 70 ways to make a woman happy: No.1 is shopping & the rest is '69'. Its that simple! :)

   My Love is Like Hell! My Family is like Heaven, My Friends are the Best, & I'm Completely Drunk!

   I wanted a good suit for a job interview. The missus said"Why don't you borrow the suit your dad wore at the funeral last week?" It really was a good suit, so I grabbed a shovel,headed for the graveyard and........

   Going to create a new social networking site called Myface because it would be hilarious to hear someone say, "Have you been on myface today?"

   Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?

   Why do banks attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   I take "Donald Duck" more serious than "Donald Trump"

   Brady had 3 ring by the time tebow was 16