Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   Hey uk at least we know how to put on a opening ceremony. Sincerely china

   Snooki has her baby, and Mike Tyson takes a crap.. Scientists are baffled by the amazing similiarities of both results..

   Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!

   BREAKING NEWS: Biden rushed to the hospital after collapsing of a laught attack to the news of Obama win!

   Anything you can do I can do drunker.

   In the 50's things where better then they are today!...and oh yeah! you're an idiot

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.

   When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?

   Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.

   so drunk , I thought my toothpaste was astronaut food....

   not and alcoholic, I'm just thirtsy.

   I wore a Michael Vick jersey to the dogpark. Yea, I'm a badass. What.

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit on. : p

   Man, I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? That's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

   Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!