Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?

   Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.

   not and alcoholic, I'm just thirtsy.

   so drunk , I thought my toothpaste was astronaut food....

   I wore a Michael Vick jersey to the dogpark. Yea, I'm a badass. What.

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit on. : p

   Man, I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? That's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

   Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!

   Give a white girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a white girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks"

   That akward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   Eating p*ssy is like driving a car, got to be careful or you'll hit the a**hole ahead of you.

   A cancer patient only has one wish, to get better. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honour of someone who died, or is fighting cancer please post this for at least one hour.

   Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

   Religion - the undeniably moronic belief that ancient horticulturists and sheep farmers knew more about the origins and workings of our universe than modern-day man could ever, even with all his scientific advancements.

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong Un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: Obama causing problems with North Korea

   Donate an organ and give your heart to Jesus