Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   You know you're a slut if you know how to make eye contact while giving a bl0wjob.

   Women, they always want what they can't have!

   I love taking the grocery store up on their offer to carry my groceries out to my car for me

   When I text someone in the same room as me.. I stare at them until they get it.. (-_-)

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   You look so fckn gross when you're happy.

   While checking my balls in bed this morning I was disturbed by a lump. She woke up.

   If all he wants you for is ur Breast,Legs and thighs send him to KFC. Ur a lady,not someones cheap value meal

   Got insomnia? May I suggest watching the CMA's.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.

   All I want for Xmas is........... Red Solo Cup! I fill you up! Lets have a party!!!

   will drink responsibly when someone names a brand of alcohol “Responsibly.”

   I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!

   GUY: Babe, let's go to the zoo! GIRL: Sorry but I'm not ready to meet your family.

   I just had a nowhere near death experience. It was completely life continuing.

   New bumper sticker: If it is against the law for me to follow you home and shove that cell phone up your bum than you better keep your car in your lane!

   childrens shows should really take into consideration that some kids may not have two eyes two ears and so on befote they sing about it.

   I have been teased by friends and family that I spend way too much time on Facebook and that I really need to get a life. I am happy to say that I DO have a life outside of Facebook, but unfortunately I have forgotten the password for it.

   Smithers, I dont believe in suicide but it would help cheer me up if you tried it.