Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys

   Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

   I wish my wife could understand that I have thoughts and feelings. I'm not just some boy-toy, send by god for her pleasure.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   I think we need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   I went to google and type in "let it snow" and snow started falling. So I typed "let it rain" and the strippers started falling to the floor.

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   You know you're a slut if you know how to make eye contact while giving a bl0wjob.

   Women, they always want what they can't have!

   I love taking the grocery store up on their offer to carry my groceries out to my car for me

   When I text someone in the same room as me.. I stare at them until they get it.. (-_-)

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   You look so fckn gross when you're happy.

   While checking my balls in bed this morning I was disturbed by a lump. She woke up.

   If all he wants you for is ur Breast,Legs and thighs send him to KFC. Ur a lady,not someones cheap value meal

   Got insomnia? May I suggest watching the CMA's.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.

   All I want for Xmas is........... Red Solo Cup! I fill you up! Lets have a party!!!