Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.

   Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again.

   So she says "I don't need a boyfriend, I have my 'toys'" I say "but your toys won't wake you up @ 4am like a good boyfriend will do for you"

   Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.

   American people are not evil people. If given the right information they will do the right thing. The problem lies with their lack of information/incorrect information. Robbin - I concur

   I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.

   I'm so old that my pronouns are Thee and Thou.

   The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

   Sean Hannity debating Ted Koppel about real journalism is like a 5-year-old debating his dad about the rules of the house.

   Don't you hate people who throws their own son under the bus?

   Apply NRA Logic To Anything: My best friend's cat would have been alive if he'd been able to defend himself against quantum mechanics.

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath. Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

   I would rather bleed to death than give up a fight!

   "Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been.

   They don't have an airport. Apparently you have to be driven there

   Would like to rename "obese" to "Dyslexic Anorexia"