Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I mean I was in a good mood, but that was before I wake up.

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die

   I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.

   Be wary of programmers bearing screwdrivers. Be VERY wary of programmers bearing soldering irons.

   We just Brexited Earth

   Wtf? I like something and the site reverts back to page 1!

   The only real model we have for a trump presidency is the movie "first kid"

   I never cared to look for Waldo. . .

   NOTICE: To the people who have flashing blue and red Christmas lights in their yard.....can you remove them, please? Every time I pass by, I think it is the cops and I have to remove my foot from the gas, slam on the brakes, put my seatbelt on, throw my p

   when couples get married they should be required to each give up 1 sock & put them together to make a pair of socks....later on if they divorce they get their sock back. "Master has given me a sock. I am free"

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on

   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my spleen on my pant leg. And my liver adds a certain flair to my belt.

   Fun new drinking game for parents: Take a shot every time your child screams. Hahaha... Just kidding! Don't do this. You'll die.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that refused to play songs from the 70's. At first I was afraid,I was petrified.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   .... One of the BIG problems with getting married too early in life is that .... When you get older .... The sexual position formerly known as 69 ..... Eventually becomes 96.

   Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.