Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never cared to look for Waldo. . .

   NOTICE: To the people who have flashing blue and red Christmas lights in their yard.....can you remove them, please? Every time I pass by, I think it is the cops and I have to remove my foot from the gas, slam on the brakes, put my seatbelt on, throw my p

   when couples get married they should be required to each give up 1 sock & put them together to make a pair of socks....later on if they divorce they get their sock back. "Master has given me a sock. I am free"

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on

   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my spleen on my pant leg. And my liver adds a certain flair to my belt.

   Fun new drinking game for parents: Take a shot every time your child screams. Hahaha... Just kidding! Don't do this. You'll die.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that refused to play songs from the 70's. At first I was afraid,I was petrified.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   .... One of the BIG problems with getting married too early in life is that .... When you get older .... The sexual position formerly known as 69 ..... Eventually becomes 96.

   Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!

   If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!

   I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

   35% of your Facebook friends see your posts. Less than 1% react or comment. These stats don't apply to females who post swimsuit pics or b00bs. They're at 100%.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   May the Kool-Aid be strong with you.

   A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.