Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   CEO of Apple Tim Cook annouces he's gay... Awaiting Samsung press conference announcing that they're waayyyyy more gay

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.