Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

   Ahhh Steak and BJ Day we meet again both well done please

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   Those yoga pants are too shear ~ no man ever

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   for girls night out, my wife takes a hundred dollar bill. For guys night out, I take a hundred dollar bills!

   I think of my whole day as "puttering around before bed".

   Women are like roads. They will take you to new places, they have beautiful curves, and I'm probably going to drive my car onto one soon.

   I just booked my Spring Break vacation in North Korea! I can't believe the cheap deal I got!!

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   Another weekend.. another opportunity to ruin a woman for all other men who may follow in her life.

   That's all over the second we ride up ... troy's bucket

   I see your wallet. And I raise my prices.

   The first time I saw you, I thought to myself, "Is that for me?"

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   At a blood bank, a nurse extracts the blood. Wouldn't it be nice if the nurse at the sperm bank did the extractions too?

   Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?

   Cops think they are so cool, driving around in their flashy cars