Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I can't be the only one here hitting these ads by mistake trying to go to the next page.

   When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.

   Want proof America's getting fatter?? I Almost ran out of gas waiting to make a right turn on a green light. Woman's ass took 5 minutes longer than she did to cross the street..

   First day on the job and Trump is already focusing on the real issues, like argue with the media about how many people attended his inauguration.

   US added 235,000 jobs in February. To be fair, most of those were fact checkers reporting on Trump.

   If Trump cannot deliver the goods for the Kremlin, Putin will have him replaced by someone who can.

   If I saw spiderman I would ask him to help me get 2 work fast, if I saw batman I would ask where he got all those cool toys, if I saw superman I would want help gettin my skateboard off the roof..if I saw wonderwoman I would ask "where's my sandwhich?"

   Wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   putting up a new business in town; Zodiac Signs Tattoo Removal.

   you are not big boned, you are fat . . . Bones don't jiggle!

   Deja Fu: I've been kicked in the head like this before...

   I feel bad for Santa....the poor guy only comes once a year

   Lesbians are boycotting Chick Fil A by eating Shushi ;)

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your t!ts

   The worst part about make up sex is when your girlfriend walks in and you have her lip stick in your butt.

   Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson