Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   There's no "i" in ignorant.

   Sippin' Grillin' Chillin'... MERICA

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!

   I'm gonna survive tomorrow cause I got a pack of sensu beans and all 7 dragonballs. I'm good.

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...

   Daries Allani ‏@Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...

   I've just been to the local Tesco Extra. Now, I don't know what's in their meat but I can tell you they've certainly got a right cow on the checkout.

   it rude to ask a guy if he is Pregnant?