Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!

   I'm gonna survive tomorrow cause I got a pack of sensu beans and all 7 dragonballs. I'm good.

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...

   Daries Allani ‏@Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...

   I've just been to the local Tesco Extra. Now, I don't know what's in their meat but I can tell you they've certainly got a right cow on the checkout.

   it rude to ask a guy if he is Pregnant?

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

   Ahhh Steak and BJ Day we meet again both well done please

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   Those yoga pants are too shear ~ no man ever