Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

   I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on. :(

   Local News: Woman finds cocaine stuffed inside tampons she bought in a Utah closeout store. That's just crazy, period!

   " ROXY " the world's most sophisticated talking woman robot has a $75,000 price tag.. The silent version is $ 45,000

   Bernice from south beach tow vs Bobby from lizard lick....the ultimate fights

   FACT: No chick has ever been laid in the back of a PT cruiser . Look it up on Wikipedia.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he planned on upgrading his computer to Windows 7. Arnold's response: "I still love Vista, Baby."

   I've never met a person that liked me I didn't like.

   WTH?! Antoine Dodson needs to make another plea, "hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband too cause they EATIN everybody out here!"

   My Jewish friend said I used a word out of context but I hate arguing Semitics.

   Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean he's gay.

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence

   My child has the flu and wants a hug. No dice, kid.

   My girlfriend said I was her 32nd lover. I was fine with this until I realized she was talking about time...

   Unless your girlfriend is Rihanna, she doesn't love the way you lie.

   kleptomania! But when it get's bad I take something for it.

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

   You remind me of my chinese friend... Ugg-lee

   im gonna take a hot shower its like a normal shower but with me in it