Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finding a teen that does not have child is like finding the back to my remote

   My neighbor has been stealing my WI-FI network. I'm going to change the password to "I screwed your wife".

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   chews my gum loud n proud cuz it annoys sooo many people

   Normal person flirting: "Hey, you're really cute".....Me:"Your face, I like that shxT!"

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   Everyone has one friend that they secretly hate.

   I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on. :(

   Local News: Woman finds cocaine stuffed inside tampons she bought in a Utah closeout store. That's just crazy, period!

   " ROXY " the world's most sophisticated talking woman robot has a $75,000 price tag.. The silent version is $ 45,000

   Bernice from south beach tow vs Bobby from lizard lick....the ultimate fights

   FACT: No chick has ever been laid in the back of a PT cruiser . Look it up on Wikipedia.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he planned on upgrading his computer to Windows 7. Arnold's response: "I still love Vista, Baby."

   I've never met a person that liked me I didn't like.

   WTH?! Antoine Dodson needs to make another plea, "hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband too cause they EATIN everybody out here!"

   My Jewish friend said I used a word out of context but I hate arguing Semitics.

   Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean he's gay.

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence

   My child has the flu and wants a hug. No dice, kid.

   My girlfriend said I was her 32nd lover. I was fine with this until I realized she was talking about time...