Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite.

   A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"

   "I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.

   Just when my nightmares were over about you, you walk in my life in reality.

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   "Work hard bt make tym 4 ur luv, family & friends. Nobody remembers ur assignments and powerpoint presentations on ur funeral" - Some smart guy

   Don't tell me your sorry when your not, you only say sorry when you get caught.

   Who can really hear themselves thinking?

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.

   You know youre really upset when you find yourself blasting music from Taylor Swift

   i love you like a fat kid loves cake, but right now the fat kid is on a diet

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!

   I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....