Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.

   Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.

   Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.

   Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?

   Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite.

   A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"

   "I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.

   Just when my nightmares were over about you, you walk in my life in reality.

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   "Work hard bt make tym 4 ur luv, family & friends. Nobody remembers ur assignments and powerpoint presentations on ur funeral" - Some smart guy

   Don't tell me your sorry when your not, you only say sorry when you get caught.

   Who can really hear themselves thinking?

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.

   You know youre really upset when you find yourself blasting music from Taylor Swift

   i love you like a fat kid loves cake, but right now the fat kid is on a diet