Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   There's no "i" in ignorant.

   Sippin' Grillin' Chillin'... MERICA

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   Another weekend.. another opportunity to ruin a woman for all other men who may follow in her life.

   That's all over the second we ride up ... troy's bucket

   I see your wallet. And I raise my prices.

   The first time I saw you, I thought to myself, "Is that for me?"

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   Everything about you is sweet and kind and perfect. I can help you change that.

   Trump would've had more speakers at the convention but they're were roster issues. Translation: Trump ran out of family members.

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep