Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   Why does FB show me people I "may" know, LAWD these are ugly people, stop it!

   "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." The cop removes his shades and looks to the horizon with teary eyes. "Neither do I."

   Ohh man! They shut down the Grand Canyon! Where is all that water gonna go now?!?

   The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had

   Silence is the most intolerable of answers.

   People got 20/20 vision to YOUR problems but be Ray Charles to they own bullsh*t.

   Do you have to go to the DMV to register as a sex offender or can you do it online? Asking for 14 friends and an uncle.

   It's not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others' company.

   No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.

   I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..

   So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants