Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"

   I think that good friend is worth pursuing, but why would a good friend be running away?

   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

   My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.

   We are exactly one year away from the release of Star Wars VII. #isthatightsaberinyourpocket

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   Why does FB show me people I "may" know, LAWD these are ugly people, stop it!

   "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." The cop removes his shades and looks to the horizon with teary eyes. "Neither do I."

   Ohh man! They shut down the Grand Canyon! Where is all that water gonna go now?!?

   The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had

   Silence is the most intolerable of answers.