Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oooo God, Facebook was down for about 30 mins or so, I'm predicting a baby-boom in about 8 months... =)

   I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

   Michael Jackson gets to go to heaven because he was doing things the priest were doing.

   Just heard the Octo mom called Casey Anthony asking her how to spell chloroform

   Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that's my Dad for ya.

   Breaking: French warplanes engaging Libyan air force. Related: France surrenders to Libya.

   less then 24 hours after Osama was killed , the US took custody of the body and dropped it in the sea? B.S. , he isn't dead... 1 word ... "RE- ELECTION"

   Some people are weak and can't handle life so they turn to drugs. Some turn to religion.

   I need a beer! I need another beer. I think I'll have another one. Iguetss jusst on moer. I'lll hav jush one morrrre. Blaaaahhhh.

   Jesus is coming, Quick, look busy

   Same Great Taste 40% Fewer Calories, 30% Less Fat.

   Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.

   This would look ALOT better in the toilet” -toddlers

   Sorry, quoting bible scriptures to me isnt going to convince me. I could quote "Stars Wars" or "Twilight" and it would be just as profound.

   Order a pizza from Papa Johns today NATIONWIDE-- they are making a donation to the families of the four fallen police officers in Lakewood (WA) - all pizzas sold on Tuesday, Dec. 8 and Wednesday, Dec. 9. ALL proceeds to a trust for their nine children

   "going to jail, directly to jail. She is not passing go. She is not collecting $200"

   filled with corn syrup, artificial ingredients and regret

   in a constant state of Omphaloskepsis (look it up).

   When caught with weed, never assume anything but the position...

   chasing vodka with french fries