Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   People say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

   Sadly, even a "Hello Kitty" shaped turd would probably sell on eBay

   If an astronaut killed another astronaut on the moon, would he be arrested when he got back to earth? The only person on earth that can decide this is Miss Universe.

   The box for my new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   Saying that an iPhone is the best phone because of the battery life is like saying my bicycle is the best car when it comes to fuel economy.

   Wanna have some fun? Put a stethoscope around your neck, walk into a hospital waiting room and say "I have very bad news for one of you... I'll be back." Then walk out.

   Friend 1: Guys my wife wants to have 3 kids cuz of the 3 musketeers. Friend 2: Well my wife wants to have 7 because of the 7 dwarfs. Me: Guys I gotta go... my wife was watching 101 dalmations..

   Randomly text your friends "I lost my phone, can you please call it?"... If they call it, it is important you keep them as close friends, they will be prove of great value when the zombies come.

   »»──────► To the knee!

   Dear Santa, when I said I wanted something blingy around my neck.... STREP THROAT is NOT what I had in mind :/

   I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   The look on the cashiers face when a fat girl purchases leggings.