Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   We can all say "Happy New Year" , but don't forget those who lost their homes and loved ones today due to the tornadoes; I am sure its not a very Happy New Year for some. So for me, I am just thankful for what I still have today.

   If somebody has a 50 gallon barrel for rainwater please PM me, but I'm not going to pick it up because I don't need it.

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   If I could play golf with any celebrity, it would be Stephen Hawking. I would win by a landslide, assuming he doesn't play with a handicap.

   FaceBook was shut down for 10min today.I could only imagine the baby boom to come in 9 months from now...

   woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....

   s standing at the entrance of weight watchers eating A bucket of kfc, ha ha, how cruel am I :-)

   Oooo God, Facebook was down for about 30 mins or so, I'm predicting a baby-boom in about 8 months... =)

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   Tsunami works like this: If you don't go to beach, beach goes to you.

   no matter what happens in England my queen will always be Latifah

   a p°nis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an a55hole, his bestfriend is a pu55y and his owner beats him!

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.

   I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

   I need a toothpick to remove this prius that is stuck on the grill of my hummer

   Porsche for sale C?HEAP! Needs some work.

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   Attacking the rich is not envy, it is self defence. The hoarding of wealth is the cause of poverty. The rich aren't just indifferent to poverty: they create it and maintain it. This is America in 2016.