Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   I hear tomorrow, Trump is going to plagiarize the Gettysburg address.

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!

   The Land of the Free but don't exercise your freedoms because that's not patriotic.

   The right says Hillary Clinton is responsible for her husband. Why isn’t Melania Trump?

   "When we went to Mexico, he didn't even bring up the "wall" he choked!" -Hillary

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   People say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

   Sadly, even a "Hello Kitty" shaped turd would probably sell on eBay

   If an astronaut killed another astronaut on the moon, would he be arrested when he got back to earth? The only person on earth that can decide this is Miss Universe.

   The box for my new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.

   ...but where I come from, rain is a good thing.

   Saying that an iPhone is the best phone because of the battery life is like saying my bicycle is the best car when it comes to fuel economy.

   Wanna have some fun? Put a stethoscope around your neck, walk into a hospital waiting room and say "I have very bad news for one of you... I'll be back." Then walk out.

   Friend 1: Guys my wife wants to have 3 kids cuz of the 3 musketeers. Friend 2: Well my wife wants to have 7 because of the 7 dwarfs. Me: Guys I gotta go... my wife was watching 101 dalmations..