Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.

   I guess properly inflated balls really do make a difference. Who knew?

   Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.

   The least I should get for paying all that money into 0bamacare, is a monthly update and photo of the person I'm sponsoring.

   My biggest spiritual accomplishment is that I'm voting for Bernie but am still capable of talking to a Hillary supporter like a human being.

   I've finally found Jesus. My turn to hide.

   Science Fun Fact: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light or get higher than Snoop Dogg.

   People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park