Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if in 2012 the world does not end, the naked guy sticking his tongue out of the middle of the Mayan calander can lick my @$$.

   Some mistakes only a mother can love.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Women are easy to make happy. Just 1) Spend more than you make on them, 2) Tell her she's pretty, 3) Unfriend every girl you know (even your sister), 4) ignore every sport but cheerleading and 5) Smile while you rat hole money for when she divorces you...

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

   Turn to me for spiritual guidance, then turn away from me for doggy style.

   WebMD Says I have the hypochondria

   3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a someone who wont stop Inboxing meee...

   JUST ANNOUNCED: The Pope is resigning at the end of the month. Sounds a little Joe Paterno-ish to me.

   Your body should be a temple, not an amusement park.

   Dental Assistant aka The one who passes things to the dentist

   I'm a little disappointed that the Supreme Court proceedings this week didn't begin with,,,,, "Mawage.. Mawage is wot bwings us togever today."

   You're from Oslo? Norway!

   Just cuz, I likkes one of your Pictures doesnt mean to come and inbox me stuppid assss questions like, "where are you these days?" , "Duh bitcch, on FB!!!"

   This recliner and I go WAY back!

   I was sat on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers... When the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs!"

   Whenever I see a girl in a glittery shirt I think to myself, "Ooh! What a sparkly nightmare of need."

   Women are just like Hurricanes, because when they come they're wet & wild! And when they leave they're taking the house and car!!!

   Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul.