Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't get a toy train for xmas like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I can't be your knight in shining armor.....but I DO have aluminum foil!

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   The Stones are doing a farewell tour. Gonna miss Fred and Barney.

   Scientist have discovered an area on Mars that might have once contained life. Alien scientist have made the same discovery about the Gulf of Mexico.

   I want my boss to tell my coworker to shave her mustache! If I have too she has to too.

   Gravity is a myth,earth sucks.

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   I see Charlie Brown hittin' on Jessica Rabbitt, Transformers talkin dirty to Sailor Moon, Daria sxting Rainbow Brite, Woodpeckers and Woodys gettin buzz lightyeared, wtf .. I'm goin back 2 sleep

   if in 2012 the world does not end, the naked guy sticking his tongue out of the middle of the Mayan calander can lick my @$$.

   Some mistakes only a mother can love.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Women are easy to make happy. Just 1) Spend more than you make on them, 2) Tell her she's pretty, 3) Unfriend every girl you know (even your sister), 4) ignore every sport but cheerleading and 5) Smile while you rat hole money for when she divorces you...

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

   Turn to me for spiritual guidance, then turn away from me for doggy style.

   WebMD Says I have the hypochondria