Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   an angel. When someone breaks my wings, I simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. I am flexible.

   Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

   goin on the springer show and earning her beads

   I doubt, therefore I might be.

   thinks that the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health Care Bill. I could then have developed a serious case of anal glaucoma and I would be too stoned to care about all the money this is going to cost us.

   Well aware how much wood a woodchuck could chuck.

   I'm booking a cruise ship for a trip from reality. I need a count. Who wants tickets?

   Today, everyone was telling me a girl I like wanted me to ask her on a date. I approached her, and asked if it was true. She said yes, but only because she wanted to reject me in person. FML

   I didn't get a toy train for xmas like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I can't be your knight in shining armor.....but I DO have aluminum foil!

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   The Stones are doing a farewell tour. Gonna miss Fred and Barney.

   Scientist have discovered an area on Mars that might have once contained life. Alien scientist have made the same discovery about the Gulf of Mexico.

   I want my boss to tell my coworker to shave her mustache! If I have too she has to too.

   Gravity is a myth,earth sucks.

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   I see Charlie Brown hittin' on Jessica Rabbitt, Transformers talkin dirty to Sailor Moon, Daria sxting Rainbow Brite, Woodpeckers and Woodys gettin buzz lightyeared, wtf .. I'm goin back 2 sleep