Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!

   JOHN 12:49 - For I did not speak of my own ACCORD. Translation - Jesus drove a HONDA but he did not boast about it.

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.

   Windmill noise causes cancer? I learn something new everyday.

   Mike Pence is a wax sculpture in a museum of what people used to believe and live like centuries ago.

   Womens March was the largest gathering of people with disabilities in US history.

   It sucks when a bunch of rich white guys don't get the improvements to their health care plan at the expense of women and the poor like they have been promised.

   Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.

   Some People are Morning People, I am a Never People. *

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   Romney or Obama....Romney or Obama. I'm just now getting the chance to vote. I LOVE living in Florida.

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )

   You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

   finds it satisfyingly funny that the initials for Valentine's Day are "V.D."