Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade.

   Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

   Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse...

   The Duck Dynasty guys need to to look in their beards, I'm sure there's a few ducks in them...

   Do you ever wake up and just say "nope" and then roll over and go back to sleep

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines!!

   I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.

   LADIES: If your father is a poor man, it is your fate... But if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity!

   Oven = Xbox for women.

   I saw a girl with a belly ring. She must've weighed 400 lbs. That belly ring turned out to be a hitch.

   Please tell your breast to quit staring at me!

   I truly believe that the key difference between men and women, is that a man can break a woman's heart, but a woman will sh!t IN a man's heart...

   hand over the casey anthony case to law and order svu...they have it solve in a hour

   Only Fat people follow KFC on twitter.

   If you think my wife is hot you should see my girlfriend.

   Donald Trump is so terrible at negotiating that he can't even find a way to convince his wife to live with him.

   18 school shootings since Jan. 1st...by the same generation that eats laundry detergent...and you wanna say we have a gun problem.

   The president is offering cure advice with disinfectant to a country who require NOT FOR RECTAL USE warnings on curling irons

   Not standing for the national anthem is considered offensive, but rallying a hate group is considered freedom of speech? I'm convinced, you people are messed up in the head.