Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   If I were an OBGYN my catchphrases would be "at your cervix!" and "not guilty your honer!"

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   I was stopped 4 speeding! The officer got out of her car, Said to me"'I been waiting 4u all day''.I replied "Got here as fast as I can". she laugh and let me go!

   Good people die because they don't deserve to suffer here on earth so God takes them to a better place.

   pineapples....some of yall will get it

   How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   "Free at Last!! Free at Last!! Thank God Almighty it's Friday!!!!"

   Friends touching each other inappropriately makes me a sad panda

   IS + Ebola = Problem Solved

   I was asked to run a marathon & I said "No way". Then I was told it was for Down Syndrom & blind kids & I thought "Fack it. I could win that!"

   I own 11,000 air guitars and I know a guy in Russia that owns 5 more then me,,,

   News casters trying to find snappy name for current heat wave - Some suggest calling it: Summer

   Im giving away dead batteries, they are free of charge!

   I just heard Justin Bieber for the first time and she sounds like a very nice little girl so stop being mean to her!

   2 eyes to see... 2 ears to hear... 2 hands to hold... 2 legs to walk... but 1 heart? Because the other was given to someone else... for us to find.