Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paula Dean is currently at home watching the George Zimmerman trial in disgust.

   what happens when a idiot can't get a gun and wants to make a scene?

   I just invented a birth control pill for men. I figure it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

   Wow, the U.S. sychronized men's diving team are extreme h0m0sexuals.

   Happy Wife = Happy Life

   Think I'll take up smoking just so I'll get more breaks at work.

   Why do they no longer offer drivers ed and sex ed in schools in Mexico? The donkey died....

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   If I were an OBGYN my catchphrases would be "at your cervix!" and "not guilty your honer!"

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   I was stopped 4 speeding! The officer got out of her car, Said to me"'I been waiting 4u all day''.I replied "Got here as fast as I can". she laugh and let me go!

   Good people die because they don't deserve to suffer here on earth so God takes them to a better place.

   pineapples....some of yall will get it

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   "Free at Last!! Free at Last!! Thank God Almighty it's Friday!!!!"

   Friends touching each other inappropriately makes me a sad panda