Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the Toronto mayor's defense it was maple syrup flavored crack...

   Funny how one morning you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island and the next day feel like you woke up on the island of misfit toys. . .

   im a real cool person once you get to ignore me

   If the NFL is so smart, why haven't they created a cable channel of just NFL cheerleaders dancing and jumping around?

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.

   I've decided I no longer want to be an adult....if you need me I will be in my blanket fort with my coloring book, etch-a-sketch, lite brite, speak-n-spell, and my sit-n-spin. Best. Toys. Ever. This is gonna be off the hook!

   I have psychic powers...I knew you would read this.

   I know he's not good for me. I think I love him. -women

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   I went grocery shopping hungry and I'm now the proud owner of aisles 6, 8, 9, 12, and most of the bakery.

   Chicken soup poured into a dinner bowl looks yummy. Chicken soup poured into a toilet bowl looks disgusting.

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   When you're working out in 108 degree heat and have to pull up your soggy underwear after going #2 FML

   an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up

   I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.