Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.

   Just Heard Donald Sterling is planning on buying the Boston Bruins once he sells the Clippers!

   I have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer.

   I wonder if Jesus ever saw the face of someone in his toast.

   This glue seems to have an awful lot of Chrome flakes in it

   Sometimes people put up walls, not to close people out but because they’re in the construction business and that’s kinda like their job.

   im not sure if I'm hungry but I'm gonna eat anyway just in case

   I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"

   Well I'm planning to do something tomorrow, as long as I have totally finished doing nothing from today. I really like being completely done with nothing which really says something about my dedication to nothing.

   I love intelligent women with high I.Q.s, but man it sure makes keeping track f the lies a pain in the ass..!

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   Why is it that everytime there is a snowstorm, New Yorkers act like it's the worst storm ever? It's been snowing and storming for millions of years. Get over it. We deal with it all the time up here!

   USA is a heavy favorite to take gold in Team Trwerking at the Olympics.

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".

   Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!