Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4778 of 6370
I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.
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04-05-2014 20:19 by indy dave
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Just Heard Donald Sterling is planning on buying the Boston Bruins once he sells the Clippers!
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05-02-2014 19:28 by Dave
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I have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer.
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05-17-2014 10:22
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I wonder if Jesus ever saw the face of someone in his toast.
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05-31-2014 11:16
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This glue seems to have an awful lot of Chrome flakes in it
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06-07-2014 22:12
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Sometimes people put up walls, not to close people out but because they’re in the construction business and that’s kinda like their job.
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12-06-2013 12:52
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im not sure if I'm hungry but I'm gonna eat anyway just in case
I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"
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01-02-2014 06:12 by Lil-David
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Well I'm planning to do something tomorrow, as long as I have totally finished doing nothing from today. I really like being completely done with nothing which really says something about my dedication to nothing.
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01-02-2014 20:22 by Jiffy Pop
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I love intelligent women with high I.Q.s, but man it sure makes keeping track f the lies a pain in the ass..!
Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas
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01-16-2014 02:46 by BigSarge
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Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
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02-04-2014 13:29 by Baddie
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Why is it that everytime there is a snowstorm, New Yorkers act like it's the worst storm ever? It's been snowing and storming for millions of years. Get over it. We deal with it all the time up here!
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02-05-2014 11:13
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USA is a heavy favorite to take gold in Team Trwerking at the Olympics.
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02-07-2014 07:02 by Steve OH
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You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.
If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?
[My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....
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12-12-2014 09:55 by snotty
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In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".
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12-15-2014 19:07 by srpdrzman
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Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!
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12-30-2014 10:09
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