Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mad Facebook gets a multi billion dollar tax break

   I thought Canadian was a religion.

   I resent the term alcoholic, I prefer the term spiritual.

   #1 female lie: "I have a headache" #1 male lie: "I'm on my way"

   Tomorrow is Steak and BJ Day. I won't be celebrating. It's not like anyone would treat me to Steak and Berry Juice anyway...

   Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.

   While playing football with friends: Fat guy = goalkeeper.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women

   Hi remember me? I'm the guy you never bothered to say goodbye to you self-conceited b!tch. .

   "This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep

   If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

   GIVE ME A BEET! ~ Hip hop Chef

   Can you be addicted to chaos? Date a Ginger and you'll understand

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   My girlfriend is pregnant but I have never slept with her. When I asked her how come, she told me some lame story about Joseph & Mary.

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

   Whale watching outside of McDonalds.

   Mondays are Sunday's poop.