Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chances of me doing anything at work today are about hahahahahahahahahahaha%.

   Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.

   it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter basket?

   Anyone know where I can get plastic eggs big enough to hide hand sanitizer in?

   A Pizza is just a real-time Pie Chart showing how much Pizza is left.

   Some people are as useful as a white crayon.

   Covid-19 Log -4/14/20: Shaved my shoulders.

   The current 2020 calender has been scrapped. Going forward it has been redesigned as a year with 121 weeks. Each week is now 3 days long made up of Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday.

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.

   My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

   I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   Who has the guts to tell Shaquille O’Neal that the General has been seen riding around with Snoop Dogg?

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to Corona. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last a week.

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC

   Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg? IHOP

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"