Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I participate in optional celibacy. Roughly translated: If I'm not interested in having sex with you, I claim to be celibate.

   When I get old, I want to be sent off on an iceberg to die. Mostly because good luck finding an iceberg in 50 years.

   just got dumped by a pity-sex partner.....she looked like joe dirt....I think I just hit rock bottom.

   just stopped a leaky pipe with Silly putty...who's Silly now?

   Every time I say "I love you too", I'm thinking about the band so, technically not a lie.

   No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

   I was insane to think the people I knew was sane....

   They should make haunted houses with genuine fears. For example: Eviction notices at every corner, very important final exams that you didn't study for, pictures of your parents naked, etc.

   Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.

   This cold, bleak, dreary, wet, grey weather has given me Seasonal Adjective Disorder.

   patiently waiting for the day when I need to set the alarm on my clock to wake up in the morning.

   My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.

   Ostriches can’t fly, but mostly because they can’t figure out airline luggage rules.

   When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.

   Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.

   Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.

   I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.

   I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.