Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Friendship day.. is much like.. Happy Friendzone day!

   Why isnt' the tooth fairy a symbol of Halloween? Thank about it.

   I had the unfortunate task of telling my dog he's adopted today.

   a wheelchair is just grocery cart to a cannibal

   Hey New Years Rockin Eve.... WHERE"S THE ROCK????

   I'm thinking of going back to school and getting my PHD in bations. I already have my Masters.

   Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa

   What do we tell Jesus when he comes back to earth and finds out we call the day of his death Good Friday? He be all like ... WTF?

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   It's time for Ray Rice to be Challenged. Lets see how many punches he can take before he is knocked out. . .

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".

   It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?

   For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.

   I went to a store today that doesn't accept debit cards; only cash or personal check. I asked if I bring a chicken and basket of vegetables, can we barter next time. I don't think the young cashier got the joke.

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   If she doesn't arch her back for you during sex, she is just no that into you bro.

   Hairdresser: do you like it? Me: yes thank you *goes home and cries* (happens everytime)

   I do dirty things when I'm home alone like the dishes, the laundry, all the housework,

   911: What's your emergency? Me: I can't get out of a conversation 911: That's not- Me: HE'S A VEGAN ATHEIST! 911: Dispatching SWAT now, Sir.