Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our breakup was due to religious differences. She didn't think I was God.

   "By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science; " specially when you stalk people.

   I hate the Discovery Channel. I just wasted a bunch of money on 90 ton test fly line.

   Women are as horny as men; they just hide their b0ners better.

   If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.

   the circus is in town!!! oh wait, nah, its jus walmart

   No better way to kick off a Monday then to defend a sweet elderly women from a crabby ass "Douchebag", who clearu has no respect for the humankind!!!

   Instead of Valentine's Day we should change it to Forever Alone Day

   looking for a kennel for the kids, our vacation is coming up

   Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.

   I only drink on days that end.

   It's so hot in my house. I'm sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.

   Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a cup of water...

   If a woman answers the door wearing only a see through nightie, is she negligent?

   If antihistamines are used to make meth, then it stands to reason that meth will help my chest cold.

   'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'

   You looked good until I realized one of your eyes don't blink and now I can't stop starring at it!

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   I told this homeless dude I would send him some supplies for Christmas but I need his address first