Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of Valentine's Day we should change it to Forever Alone Day

   looking for a kennel for the kids, our vacation is coming up

   Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.

   I only drink on days that end.

   It's so hot in my house. I'm sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.

   Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a cup of water...

   If a woman answers the door wearing only a see through nightie, is she negligent?

   If antihistamines are used to make meth, then it stands to reason that meth will help my chest cold.

   'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'

   You looked good until I realized one of your eyes don't blink and now I can't stop starring at it!

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   I told this homeless dude I would send him some supplies for Christmas but I need his address first

   I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.

   Uggs: Helping men to identify lazy women sonce 2004.

   My hobbies are gardening, origami and meditation. In other words: growing weed, rolling a fat one, and passing out in a stupor.

   Love starts with "You are different" & ends with "you are all the same"

   Just unfriended 3 people for chatting under my status.

   Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

   When I'm the designated driver, I want to look cool ordering my drink. So I ask for a Jack and Dr. Pepper hold the Jack.