Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4717 of 6371
Instead of Valentine's Day we should change it to Forever Alone Day
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02-07-2012 21:48 by BEGO
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looking for a kennel for the kids, our vacation is coming up
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02-17-2012 14:12
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Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.
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06-03-2012 13:57
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No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.
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06-03-2012 14:11 by Baddie
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I only drink on days that end.
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06-11-2012 22:26
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It's so hot in my house. I'm sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.
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06-21-2012 23:48
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Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a cup of water...
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06-30-2012 18:34
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If a woman answers the door wearing only a see through nightie, is she negligent?
If antihistamines are used to make meth, then it stands to reason that meth will help my chest cold.
'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'
You looked good until I realized one of your eyes don't blink and now I can't stop starring at it!
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11-25-2011 14:12
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It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.
I told this homeless dude I would send him some supplies for Christmas but I need his address first
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12-13-2011 00:34
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I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.
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12-18-2011 14:01 by fadolo
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Uggs: Helping men to identify lazy women sonce 2004.
My hobbies are gardening, origami and meditation. In other words: growing weed, rolling a fat one, and passing out in a stupor.
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10-30-2011 21:19 by aza
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Love starts with "You are different" & ends with "you are all the same"
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11-02-2011 21:21 by BEGO
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Just unfriended 3 people for chatting under my status.
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11-03-2011 08:55
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
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03-06-2012 15:13
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When I'm the designated driver, I want to look cool ordering my drink. So I ask for a Jack and Dr. Pepper hold the Jack.