Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.

   AC/DC concerts are where old people like to get together and show off their jean jackets.

   Here, put these floaties on your ankles ...

   NASCAR: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   What's the big deal with the 2 idiots that snuck in for a white house party for a couple hours? I can't turn on the news without seeing them. "W" pulled the same trick in 2000 and stayed for 8 years and he didn't get that kind of coverage!

   White House says Obama's "Daily Show" appearance was a success... In related news, the White House says Obama successfully poured cereal in his bowl this morning.

   Don't forget to change your clocks tonight and to change your president on Tuesday

   my biggest pet peeve is these morons who can't type words correctly or know how to use punctuation. Scense is not a word and when in the English language do you ever use ,,,,,,,,?

   If you see a prisoner or a married man asleep, do not wake him perhaps he is dreaming of freedom.

   Barry Bonds is on the baseball hall of fame ballot this year. I hope he doesn't get a big head...

   Welp. Looks like I broke my new years resolution regarding procrastination....Guess who just p00ped their pants.

   can't they put some damn rails up along the subway tracks in NYC???

   Had a burger bought from Tesco earlier, got the trots now...

   Facebook, Helping stalkers since 2004.

   Logic of an ex girlfriend: You where sh*t in bed anyway So why sleep with me for 3 years then?

   there's a thin line between love & hate & it's located on marriage certificates rite under the signatures

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects.

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   **News Flash** The real NFL refs will be back on the field tonight for the Browns/Ravens game. In other news, Footlocker hired a bunch of people and are now fully staffed again.