Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when your sitting at redlight, surrounded by people. Do you toss your McD's bag, old paper work and junk mail out the window? No?..then why the hell do you flick your half smoked cig out, like its acceptable behavior?! You jagoffs!!

   Breaking news - snow white has been thrown out of Disneyland after sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce him

   what we have here...is a failure to communicate....

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend... Dogs are a mans best friend... Now, who's the smarter sex?

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   i dont know much about pies, but daaaaamn you make my banana cream!

   Every American President inherits a sworn duty to protect Israel. Protecting Israel costs money and lives. Losing money and lives while trying to protect Israel can cost an American president his job. Its a viscous circle.

   that awkward moment when two peodos both pretending to be kids arrange a meeting over facebook and then meet up

   I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.

   AC/DC concerts are where old people like to get together and show off their jean jackets.

   Here, put these floaties on your ankles ...

   NASCAR: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   What's the big deal with the 2 idiots that snuck in for a white house party for a couple hours? I can't turn on the news without seeing them. "W" pulled the same trick in 2000 and stayed for 8 years and he didn't get that kind of coverage!

   White House says Obama's "Daily Show" appearance was a success... In related news, the White House says Obama successfully poured cereal in his bowl this morning.

   Don't forget to change your clocks tonight and to change your president on Tuesday

   my biggest pet peeve is these morons who can't type words correctly or know how to use punctuation. Scense is not a word and when in the English language do you ever use ,,,,,,,,?

   If you see a prisoner or a married man asleep, do not wake him perhaps he is dreaming of freedom.

   Barry Bonds is on the baseball hall of fame ballot this year. I hope he doesn't get a big head...

   Welp. Looks like I broke my new years resolution regarding procrastination....Guess who just p00ped their pants.